A Matter of Perspective

The drive to Lexington early Thursday morning was long and lonely. It was the first time that I’d driven on the interstate in over two months, so I kept my speed just a little above the limit. I really wasn’t in a hurry to get back in the hospital, anyway, so no need to rush. At the same time, there was a glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t be admitted but rather sent home in the morning. It was already 1 am and I had just come from the St. Joseph – Berea emergency room after running a fever of 101 degrees.  Since I still don’t have much of an immune system, this could be potentially very serious.  I felt fine, maybe a little tired, and my mind was trying to process the evening’s events. How could this happen, God? How could I get such good news one day only to have the rug jerked from under me the next? I was angry. I was hurt but also dumbfounded. I prayed, but mostly I just drove.

Fast forward a day and I am back on the third floor of Markey Cancer Center receiving IV antibiotics for a mystery bug that may have caused my fever. I feel great physically, but mentally I am a little weary. Everything is familiar– the nurses, the food, the room, the procedures, and the longing not to be here.

Things were going so well. Just the day before Christi and I were weeping with joy after getting the news that the cancer is in remission. It was one of those moments that I’ll always remember. The nurse practitioner who performed the biopsy called to give us the news. “Your bone marrow is completely clear,” she joyfully said. A second later Christi walked in from the garage and I stood up, pumping my right arm in the air just like we’d won the Super Bowl. After I hung up, we fell apart, but this time in a good way. A burden was lifted. We are one step closer to healthy. Later that evening, I looked at Emmy and thought, “I’m going to get to see her grow up” and nearly lost it again. But, now I’m unexpectedly back in the hospital, very disappointed to be away from my family again so soon.

A very wise lady told me once that God knows the entire filmstrip of your life, not just this snapshot. This episode is a single frame, not the whole story. It does play a role, however, in achieving the purpose of this trial: to glorify God. As I struggle with this relatively small setback, it helps me tremendously to step back and view it in the context of the overall situation, from start to finish. This isn’t the first fever I’ve had and likely won’t be the last. A few nights away from my family is very undesirable, but is nothing compared to the promise God has given us to restore what’s been stolen. Getting the cancer into remission was a major leap forward; this fever and (hopefully) short hospital stay is merely a side-step off of the road to healthy.

I’m not happy about being here. I am not at home where I thought I’d be and I’ll likely be right back in here next week for more chemotherapy. But, it’s worth it to get healthy. This will be a tough year and there will be more setbacks, but it’s worth it to have many more healthy years, decades even, to fulfill the purpose for which God created me, to be a husband and a father, to run again, simply to live. What the enemy has meant for evil, God is using for good. I choose to believe that and, as hard as this is, I am thankful to be a part of his plan. If it takes a fever to bring glory to God, to encourage someone with this blog, or for someone to choose Jesus, then it’s worth the cost. These present troubles won’t last long, but they will produce an eternal glory that will make it all worthwhile.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Cor 4:17 NIV