In the air, actually. Or, at least I was until I landed in Dallas a little while ago en route back to Houston. This time, I’m returning for radiation, or more specifically, “proton therapy,” to my brain and spine. Hopefully, this will knock out any remaining leukemia cells in my central nervous system. I am slated to have twelve treatments, weekdays only, so I expect to be in Houston for about two and a half weeks. If all goes well, I’ll be home for about a week over Christmas. After that, it’s back to Texas again to see how well the chemo is working and, Lord willing, to be admitted for the stem cell transplant.
My departure was not without the requisite drama with insurance. I was originally scheduled to fly back yesterday, but did not have insurance approval. It finally came through yesterday afternoon. As you might imagine, I was frustrated, although I am very thankful for the insurance coverage that I have.
The significant upside of the delay is that I got a whole other day with my girls. It was tough leaving them this morning. They dropped me off at the airport in Lexington and I stole a few more kisses and hugs as Emmy and Abrie sat in their car seats. “I wish you never had to go to the airport, Daddy,” Emmy told me as I waved goodbye. Me, too, sweetheart.
I’m going back alone this time, which makes my leaving even harder. I’m used to traveling alone, but always for work, and usually with more certainty as to what lies ahead. After today, I may only have a few days left with my girls at home during Christmas before I start the transplant and stay in Texas for four months. This is also the first time I’ve been away from Christi since I was in the hospital back in July. I’m sure we’ll be fine, but we are both better when we’re together. Leaving her was just as hard.
I was reminded this morning as I read my devotional that, as difficult as the next eighteen days may be, I am not facing it alone. I know, it’s almost cliché to say this, but the reality is that God’s presence is not dependent on my geographical location or state of mind. Happy or sad, together with family or physically alone, fearful and worried or encouraged, God is with me…
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. (Romans 8:38 NLT)
I’ve quoted Caedmon’s Call before, maybe too many times (you thought from the title of this post that I would quote Willie Nelson, huh?). Their 1999 album, “40 Acres,” is my favorite. One of the most meaningful songs to me is “Where I Began”:
“Here I am again, back where I began. Try as I may, I can’t get away from You.”
No matter what I do, where I go, how I feel, how wrong I am, I cannot get away from the love of Jesus. No matter how bleak the future may look, no matter how despondent I might be, no matter how much I think I can or cannot do this on my own, His love never fails. There are no conditions placed on it. Even if I don’t feel loved, I am.
This is the next leg of the journey that God has laid before us. He usually only reveals the next step, as much as I would like to see the entire path. I’m going back for reasons beyond just getting proton therapy, and only He knows them right now. Maybe the biggest reason is for Him to remind me—remind all of us—of how incredible His love really is.
1. Caedmon’s Call. (1999) Where I Began. On 40 Acres [CD]. Cumbee Road Music.